**Tell them there is a wedding.**Learned that the hard way.Everyone and their mother, their mother’s friend, their cousin's friend’s neighbors cousin.They all want the invite. If you love them you’ll invite them. Don’t be a bad person.That person you hung out with twice ten years ago? You mean a lot to him. He’d love to be there.On one hand, it was flattering.Our wedding was some big social event. Like we were royalty. Being invited was some sign of class, social currency achieved in the form of a small overpriced RSVP card you received from the god damn mailman, baby.Or maybe it isn’t wasn’t flattering, maybe this is a domesticated version of the last liferaft.Oh but if only it were women and children only, it would have been so much easier.Because unfortunately, weddings aren’t free.And sure enough, not inviting a cousin 17 steps removed will be drama.So yes, tell them there’s a wedding. Fill the room. Drain the wallet.**Tell them you can see your neighbors having sex through the window.**“Oh, that’s just so wrong. Give them privacy.”Says everyone on the internet.But if 98xVirtueCrusaderx89 was at your house?She’d be right there fogging the window and chuckling with you.**Tell them there’s a puppy.**Watch the girls crawl over each other to go pet the puppy.Hear their asychronous, dischordant chorus of awwwwwws.They become servants of Lord Pupdor, the puppification complete, transfixed by the hypnotic ball of furry cuteness.**Tell old people there are free samples at the grocery store.**Watch them flock in like wild animals. The feeding frenzy begins. Canes are swinging, someone’s fake teeth come sliding across the aisle at your feet.WW2 is still alive and well. The Great Depression never ended.F-ck you Hitler. Feed me some chicken dips.Cheap, old people, love them some free food samples.